Editing a Sentence
“The cameraman of ABS-CBN reporter Ces Drilon said that their captors threatened to behead him many times while they were in captivity.”
http://beta.ph.news.yahoo.com/star/20080618/tph-jimmy-encarnacion-abs-cbn-541dfb4.html
This is the opening sentence of a news article. Ok, there seems to be nothing wrong with this sentence. We all know what is being told to us, right? Well yes, if one is to assume that the reader KNOWS the backstory.
But let’s look at the info first:
“The cameraman of ABS-CBN reporter Ces Drilon”
Does the cameraman belong to Ces? Or work solely for Ces? The “of” implies” that.
“threatened to behead him many times”
To what does “many times” refer — to “threatened” or to “behead”?
How many times can one be beheaded?
Probably once. So it couldn’t refer to behead.
“while they were in captivity”
When else would he be beheaded? After “they” were set free? So “in captivity” is redundant. Well I guess they want to make it clear that he wasn’t threatened BEFORE they were abducted, nor AFTER they were set free.
And who was in captivity anyway? Note the pronouns. “him” (singular) refers to the cameraman. If you don’t know the story, you don’t know that there is more than one person being held. But since only he was threatened with beheading, (he doesn’t say “we” were threatened), we don’t know for sure if he was alone or not, and who “they is.
Captors is a plural noun. “They” were in captivity. Is they the captors then?
Translate into Filipino: Ayon sa cameraman ni Ces Drilon, mamamahayag ng ABS-CBN, ang mga dumakip sa kanila ay bumanta na pupugutan siya ng ulo maraming beses habang sila ay nakabihag.
When actually it should be: Habang sila ay nakabihag, ang cameraman na kasama ni Ces Drilon, mamamahayag ng ABS-CBN, ay maraming beses na binataan na pupugutan siya ng ulo ng mga bumihag sa kanila.
Therefore:
The cameraman accompanying ABS-CBN reporter, Ces Drilon said that while in captivity, their captors threatened him many times with beheading
